May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be great. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A number of the most effective. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully out of area. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable h2o. But Certainly, certain, let's have An additional spot the place American Adult men can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst previous negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: offer you Absolutely everyone a suite on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often delicate power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It can be that he need to quit applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the project, replied, "You realize, gentleman, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic persons. Good tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head obvious from House, a aspect being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and the chin is… well, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits soon after obtaining the developing's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It is really not just hideous. It's a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Perplexing Capabilities


Probably the strangest component in the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may possibly contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local climate Command established to "distant"




  • A Trump Tower Damascus museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Area Syrians are Not sure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Tactic: "In case you Bomb It, They may Occur"


The advertisement marketing campaign, not long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Forever."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "where by's the nearest elevator for the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is previously attracting consideration from international traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll get 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount may also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait to find out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a lodge the place my PTSD can have switch-down services."


A different submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies counsel:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Last Views within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It required gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as Structure. I gave everything three. You're welcome."

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *